


This Maybe a Goodbye

by Lonely_Sad_Boy



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-21 22:22:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9569348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonely_Sad_Boy/pseuds/Lonely_Sad_Boy
Summary: Kylo Ren thinks that suicide is, Maybe, a good idea...





	

My miserable life. Everyday I wake up tired. That same routine. And you're not on my side anymore.  
You are everything. You're the one who motivates me to want to be somebody better. You feed my soul, give me hope, make me feel good enough, give me the courage and motivation to live.  
But no, without you I can not stand it.

I try to deceive myself, hoping someday you'll send me a message, look for me. But this never happens, and every day, when I perceive such a thing, I consume myself in frustration.

It's terrible. Like a nightmare. The person I love the most, and with whom I built my biggest dreams go away and disappear like this. I feel like dying.

I'm going to my class, lack attention, commitment, dedication. There is no will, and I do not know what will become of my life, of my future. I'm so indecisive, and insecure.

I need you, more than you need me. No, although you have your troubles, you are a steel woman, a fighting girl, my heroine. Already I, am a lost, a dreamer who carries the tomb of his dreams in the head, and every day rotters a little more.

I fill myself with bad food, with high caloric value and low nutritional value. I drink alcohol whenever possible. I spend unproductive hours thinking about how it might have been different. I waste my time on useless things, nonsense idiocy, while an unreal life passes through me without my realizing it.  
I feel weak, tired, sad, angry, unhappy, and above all, homesick for you. I can not take it anymore. If it's to continue like this, I'd rather die.

The other important people in my life were the only reason I did not give up until now. But the thoughts about suicide haunt me daily. I know that if we really do not have a chance, and the things I fear most will happen, I will not have the structure to bear. I need you to help me. I do anything for your support, your help, your attention, your affection.

I feel terrible, honey. I fight with everyone. I need your message, your voice, your presence.

When I masturbate emptyly, or when I defecate, I see the misery that is human existence. That is my existence. Ugly thoughts torment me, and looking in the mirror, I see someone I do not like. Someone that was not enough for the person I love the most. Someone who may have to leave.

Maybe the world is a better place without me. Maybe one or the other even cares, and it may be that my family is forever traumatized. But if my good expectations are forever extinguished, I see no more reason to exist.

I'm screaming and begging for your help. I think only you can help me. No one so far has been able to at least remedy with relative definition. And I've tried other girls, but none of you. I do not want any other woman in the World. I do not want all the women in the world. I just need you by my side, my best friend, my love, and maybe the only human being who understands me at the moment.

This is maybe goodbye. I really do not know if I have the guts to do this. Sometimes I think it would be better if you killed me at once. I can not stand the frightening idea of living without you with me for the rest of my life. I'd rather go away at once, see things get distorted even more, and turn into a misshapen nightmare.

Hot and long baths help as well as painkillers, but they do not solve my problem. I beg you, help me.

Do not let me add up, and just become a faint memory in the minds of a few for just a generation. I do not wanna disappear forever. O don't wanna die. I want to be happy. Help me.

I'm already dead inside, and you're the only one capable of making death come to life. Life. Eternal life.


End file.
